Progressive Pioneer

How to Be A Mom

I've been thinking, recently, about motherhood.  There was the recent holiday, and the book, of course, and I'm also working on a little project with my mom that I'm excited to show you soon.  All of these things have got me thinking about this amazing, exhausting, exhilirating profession of Motherhood. 

One of the things that struck when reading all the essays in the book, were just how varied the experiences of mothering or being mothered were, and yet how poignant each one was.  There is a depth and power to each and every story, whether a glowing tribute to a mother or a complicated dance of misunderstanding and trying again.  That was really the common thread, that motherhood is messy, complicated, hard to define and yet we know it when we see it because something there resonates with us, on a gut level.  It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with blood and birth, though that is often a part of it.  It doesn't necessarily have to do with titles or marriages, though those things certainly factor in.  My essay talks about the connection I feel to a mother who hasn't been a part of my life since I was seven, and who yet is inextricably interwined in who I am.  It also touches on my relationship with someone who is in most ways even more of a mother to me, my step-mother.  Crazy, complicated, beautiful stuff this mothering...

I won't go into too much detail about this project I'm working on with my mom (step-mom, for clarification); I don't want to ruin the surprise!  But, can I ask you a question?  Or a few?  What do you think are some of the most important things for mothers to know?  I mean, if you had to sum up a few crucial ideas for a mother-to-be, what would they be?  Tips on juggling it all?  Reassurance that she can do this?  Encouragement to trust her intuition?  Advice on keeping teenagers close while giving them their independence?  How to keep your kids safe in this crazy, scary world?  Or just to relax, it's not that crazy and scary?  What do moms really need to know about how to be a mother?

PS Here's a little excerpt from my essay.  You can get the entire book for $4.99 and enjoy the whole range of essays.  I promise; it's totally worth it!

Breast cancer has its virtues, though few. It doesn’t steal in and snatch away loved ones in the dead of the night. The process is slow; there is time to prepare. My mom, Tinnel, told my step-mother that she thought God had hand-picked her to raise me. And she was right. I can’t count the number of times I have thanked Him for the gift of a loving (step) mother. I’ve told my step-mother everything, even about the time I brushed the dog’s teeth with her toothbrush during a fit of teenage rage. But my biological mother, there are a lot of things I wish I could tell her.

When it became clear that the end of my mom’s life on Earth was near she began to write me a book. It ends abruptly and is composed of mostly blank white pages, an apt metaphor for her unfinished life. She was only 37 when she died. But within the first few pages of her graceful handwriting and watercolor illustrations are as much wisdom and love as she could conjure up in those last few moments.

Of breastfeeding, my mother wrote, “I loved to nurse you. It created the bond we share to this day (the day you’re reading this), and I was sad to give it up even after 2 years.” I would tell her that she was right, that I can feel her in my body and my being, that I am made of her, as my own daughter is built of my very essence, cell by cell. No distance or death can change that initial construction. I have the feeling that those early years when she poured herself into me both literally and emotionally, gave me strength for difficulties ahead.

images from Stock Exchange

At Mother's Breast: Amy and Vivian

Remember my friend Katrina's great breastfeeding project?  Well, Viv and I were lucky enough to be included and our pictures went up this week!  Katrina gives everyone who participates a digital copy of one of the images as a thank you gift; if you're a local, nursing mom, give her a call!

I really love how she captured the sweet feeling of nursing Vivian, because I know it doesn't always look like this.  It often looks like rumpled clothes askew, milk on my shirt and whatnot.  But this peaceful, serenity is certainly how it feels.   

I've mentioned before that my mom died of breast cancer when I was seven.  Because she had time to plan, she wrote me a book of some things that she wanted me to know, but wouldn't be able to tell me as I grew older.  This section means more to me than ever, now that I'm a nursing mom myself:

"When I brought you home from the birthing center, all I wanted to do was hold you and gaze into your beautiful face and send you thoughts of love.  Oh, I had never known such love!  And nursing- I loved to nurse you.  It created the bond we share even to this day (the day you're reading this), and I was sad to give it up even after two years."

There certainly is something magical about that bond.

At Mother's Breast

A friend of mine has started a wonderful project, "Photographing the beauty and normalcy of breastfeeding."   She has her second little one arriving any day now, so won't be taking on new subjects in the immediate future.  However, she plans to continue the project, so feel free to contact her if you live nearby or will be in the area and would like to participate in a photo shoot.  She's also looking for out-of-state photographers that would like to contribute to the project by submitting photos.  Her long term vision is "to have this website showcase breastfeeding moms from around the country, or even the world, through beautiful photography."

Take a minute to scroll through the various photo shoots; there are some beautiful and sweet images; I think you'll love them.  And spread the word; the more people that see breastfeeding as normal and beautiful, the better!

A Time Drawing to a Close

Sam had been nursing less and less.  And then without me even realizing, he just gradually stopped.  There are still days here and there when he's feeling a bit under the weather or gets a major boo-boo and wants to nurse.  But they're getting fewer and farther between.  
This is a good thing, I know.  Babies grow up and turn into little boys that know the names of dozens of bugs, wear big boy underwear and say things like, "No problem!"  I'm certainly glad there's a new baby on the way though, so I don't miss those sweet, snugly moments too much.  Now I have to settle for quick hugs and kisses and he flies past from one exciting thing to the next.  And I treasure our early morning snuggles more than ever; he sneaks into our bed early in the morning and we snuggle and chat when we wake up. 
I'm glad that he was able to let go of nursing on his own.  The only time I really made him cut back was when I was first pregnant (you get kind of sore!), so we laid down some rules about how often he could nurse.  But since then it's been his own schedule.  I knew the end was in sight when he would ask to nurse, but once we'd sit down in the chair he would change his mind and want a book instead.  Nursing became much less about food and almost entirely about spending time with mom.  Luckily, we can spend time together, reading books and snuggling for as long as he wants!  I sometimes miss that downy-headed little nurser, but the little boy he's turning into is so delightful and exciting that I wouldn't change a thing!

World Breastfeeding Week

I sure couldn't let the week go by without saying, Happy World Breastfeeding Week!  We're big fans of leche a la Mama around here, Sam's still going strong at nearly 16 months.  I was reading a great book today that had all kinds of glowing things to stay about breastfeeding:

• It's custom made for each baby with the exact balance of antibodies, carbohydrates, fats and proteins that the baby needs.
• Breastfed children have less ear infections, diarrhea and respiratory infections.
• Adults who were breastfed have lower cholesterol and fewer occasions of heart disease.
• Women who breastfeed have lower rates of breast and cervical cancer.
• Breastfed children have higher IQs.

As if that weren't convincing enough, consider the financial value of that "liquid gold;" it would cost between $1,200 and $2,700 a year to feed a baby formula.  If you wanted to purchase breast milk from a milk bank, a year's supply would cost $36,000!  Hold your heads high mamas!  That is one valuable commodity!

Sam and I had a bit of a rocky start to breastfeeding.  He was in the hospital for about two months and I had to pump and could only occasionally feed him breast milk from a bottle.  I never really entertained the thought of giving it up though, as much as I absolutely loathed pumping.  (I have so much admiration for working moms who are so dedicated to giving their babies the very best food.  That is serious commitment!)  I just couldn't stomach the idea of putting him on formula.  And it ended up being so worth it.  After about a month of relearning how to nurse (and consequently unlearning how to take a bottle!) he became a champion nurser, and has remained a loyal fan ever since.  I try to soak up those quiet moments together and engrain them somewhere in my memory.  There is nothing so peaceful, so loving, so tender as nursing your sweet baby.  It fixes every boo-boo, calms every fear and conveys so much love.  Is there anything better than seeing those big, bright eyes stare up at you, full of pure love and adoration?

images here, here and here.

D.I.Y. Nah Nah Hider

Sam and I are preparing for a trip (home to Maine for two weeks!) and one of the first things I packed in our carry-on bag was this nursing (aka as "nah nah," according to Sam) cover up that I made when he was small.  Sewing projects don't come any easier and I have gotten so much mileage out of it.  It's just a square of pretty fabric, hemmed on all sides, with the top folded over in a channel to run a cord through.  The cord is stitched at the sides and the middle third of the channel is left open so you can pull the cord out and slide it over your head.  The sides cinch up like a drawstring. 
When I first modeled it for Clay he said it made me look royal.  Now whenever I wear it I'm reminded just what a privilege it is to be Sam's mom.  Every mom should have something she wears or carries that reminds her what a treasured, invaluable role she plays; a pretty sling, an elegant bag, an exotic cover up.  It just makes you feel special. 
Having something pretty to use when nursing Sam gives me the extra little push I need to nurse him in public too.  I'm all for nursing anywhere and everywhere... in theory.  But when the time comes, I often get shy and would rather sneak out to the car or a back room somewhere.  But the longer I nurse (15 months and counting!) the braver I get.  The best place I've nursed in public has to be the waiting room at the mechanic's.  I must have been having a particularly fearless day because I didn't think twice about it, just hooked that hungry baby on like millions of women before me have done.  And you know, no one even seemed to mind; it seemed like the most normal thing in the world to do!  I felt so triumphant afterward, like I'd earned a new mama badge.  Where's the best/strangest/bravest place you've nursed your little one?